Be Afraid of the Dark

I moved to Los Angeles from Kansas at the age of 18. As I was preparing to leave, my father gave me the "rape whistle" of keychains. This large, cumbersome, bright orange plastic ball carried only three keys. But, with the simple pull of a plastic knob, it promised to alert the entire neighborhood to a sexual assault.

In 2011, I again left Kansas to attend The University of Amsterdam. My good friend, Paul, gifted me with the sweetest care package: classy travel accessories. Along with colorful luggage locks and leather goods, he included a keychain. A keychain attached to a small, pink container of mace.

This was my realization: Kansas = safe. Large or international cities = rape.

This stranger danger myth is prominent in the dialogue surrounding rape. Even with sexual assault and interpersonal violence education interventions being established on college campuses across the nation, the understanding of who rapes and who "gets" raped continues to be constructed through rape myths.

Although the majority of rape occurs between acquaintances - dating partners, friends, spouses, or family members - women are still urged to carry mace, learn self-defense, and to be afraid of the dark.

Extensive research has uncovered the challenges involved with defining, understanding, and preventing sexual assault, violence, and abuse. Research suggests women whose experiences legally qualify as rape, but who also adopt rape myths, are less likely to identify themselves as victims of rape. They are afraid of the dark, but not their boyfriends.

Those in charge of shaping a young women's understanding of risk - the mothers, fathers, the friends - must choose reality, not myths. We must change the way we talk about rape. Women don't GET raped. Women ARE raped. Women are raped, beaten, verbally abused, controlled, and victimized by the men they know. Carrying mace or a rape alarm, placing keys between the fingers, or avoiding walking alone at night will not prevent rape. Rape may happen at night, but not in the streets. Rape happens behind closed doors.

 

 

Holiday Sex Positions - Easter

Spring has sprung! Tulips are blooming, trees are blossoming, and birds are chirping. All positions, with the exception of Egg Hunt and Tulip in Bloom, can be modified for anal penetration.

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Chocolate Bunny

Receiver flexibility is required for this anal position. The easiest way to get into the position is to first achieve Reverse Cowgirl; the giver lies on his/her back while the receiver straddles the giver on his/her knees, facing away from the giver. Next, the receiver leans all the way back until he/she is resting on the receivers chest, keeping both knees bent. This position allows for intimacy between partners as the giver’s hands are free to caress and stimulate the receivers body and genitals, and both partners are positioned close enough for deep kissing.

Egg Hunt

Have a fast and easy hunt for his eggs in this fellatio position! The giver lies on his/her back on the bed with his/her head over the edge. The receiver straddles the giver’s head, facing away from the giver. The position of the giver’s head allows full exploration of the receiver’s genitals and anus. The receiver can also bend and extend his legs for deeper penetration or stroke his shaft while the giver focuses on his huevos!

Tulip in Bloom

View her tulip in all its glory! This version of cunnilingus has the receiver lie on her back, raise her lower back and legs overhead, and rest her feet or knees (depending on flexibility) on either side of her head. Her tulip is raised and exposed for her partner to enjoy. The giver kneels behind her, allowing her to rest her hips and/or buttocks against his/her chest for stability and comfort. The giver has the ability to stimulate both her vagina and anus, as well as the freedom to explore the rest of her body with his/her hands! Enjoy all the beauty of her warm, spring tulip!

Polmåzka

In the Czech Republic, women are playfully spanked by the men on Easter Monday to keep their health and beauty for the coming year. Join in on this tradition with the Polmåzka position! The giver sits on the edge of the bed and holds the receiver’s legs around his/her torso, the receiver’s buttocks facing up. The receiver places his/her hands securely on the floor with arms extended, holding his/her upper body off the floor. The receiver can rock back and forth as the giver uses his/her arms to assist the movement. The receiver’s buttocks is positioned for a playful spanking!

The Bunny Hop

Bounce your way to orgasm! The giver lies on his/her back while the receiver, facing the giver, straddles him/her. The receiver places his/her feet firmly on the bed, knees bent, with both arms and hands securely grasping giver’s forearms. The receiver uses his/her legs to “bounce” up and down, the giver assisting by securely holding the receiver’s forearms with his/her hands. Hippity hoppity! Orgasm is on its way!

Holiday Sex Positions - President's Day

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Bucking Buchanan

James Buchanan served as our 15th President. Never married and the only bachelor President, it is suggested he was indeed homosexual. Buchanan living for 15 years with William Rufus King (aka “Miss Nancy” and “Aunt Nancy”) certainly did not help to silence the rumors.

This anal position requires a headboard for the receiver to help lift him/herself up and down. The giver kneels facing the headboard, widens his knees slightly apart, and rests his butt on his heels. Also facing the headboard, the receiver places his or her feet directly in front of the receiver’s knees, grabs the headboard, and squats down. The giver can help guide his penis into the receiver’s anus as the receiver controls the depth of penetration. The receiver can “buck” up and down and the giver will have the ride of his life!

A Beautiful Bush

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Unfortunately, our 43rd wasn’t immune to his fair share of scandals. But between the cocaine and the alleged affairs, George W. still managed to secure two terms as our Commander and Chief.

This easy cunnilingus position places the lady in charge. The giver lies on his or her back. The receiver lies down on top of the giver, facing the ceiling, with her legs straddling the giver’s head. The giver might benefit from placing a pillow underneath his or her head to lift his or her face towards the receiver’s vagina. The giver has the freedom to use his or her hands to caress her body and stimulate the clitoris.

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Kinky Kennedy

JFK and Marilyn. Even decades later, Camelot lovers everywhere continue to whisper of their rumored affair. Perhaps only J. Edgar Hoover really knew the truth!

Remember two things with this adventurous position: 1) Take your time getting in and out of this position 2) Upper body strength is necessary for the receiver. The giver stands behind the receiver. The receiver bends forward and places her hands firmly on the floor. With the assistance of the giver, the receiver carefully lifts one leg and then the other until both are wrapped around the giver’s waist. Want to add even more fun? Dress the part. A blue suit and a white dress...forget the underwear! Happy Birthday, Mr. President.

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LBJ

Lyndon Baines Johnson’s womanizing ways put JFK to shame. Johnson’s former press secretary likened him to a Turkish Sultan because he kept what would be considered a harem of women. He even fathered a child with Madeline Brown during a 21-year affair.

This fellatio position is the LBJ of sex positions - a lying blow job. Comfortable and easy to execute, this position places the receiver on his side. The giver faces the receiver, head toward the receiver’s feet. Think of a 69 position, but on its side. The giver can place his or her head on the inside of the receiver’s thigh for comfort. The receiver can choose to watch or participate. Have fun while your Johnson succeeds.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I love love.

This Valentine's Day is special because I have the love of my friends, family, and partner. For those of you who followed my journey two years ago with Match.com, you were with me when I finally met the love of my life. And I'm happy to continue to share my journey and my experiences with you.

Falling in love is easy, exciting, and passionate. Growing in love requires patience, sensitivity, and compromise. Each day is work. For every joy, there are tears. For every success, there are failures. Love is hard. But, to quote James Morrison, "if it was easy, it wouldn't mean nothing."

Despite the distance, the heartache, the struggles, the anxiety about living out our plans for the future, the challenges and changes, I will never stop working on love. Our love isn't always easy, but it means everything. We make today, a day to celebrate love, another day to look at each other and say, "I fall more in love with you every day."

I wish all of you a day filled with joy and love. And remember to bring a little Valentine's love to yourself each and every day.

 

Is Dating in Kansas City Really That Bad?


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Single in Kansas City

Today (10.10.14), I will discuss all things dating in Kansas City. Tune in at 10am (central time) HERE.

If you listen to the chatter around the water cooler, you might be led to believe Kansas City is among the WORST cities in which to be single. Surveys reported in newspapers, magazines, and online rank Kansas City as one of the worst cities for singles.

But not to worry.

As a researcher, my first instinct when presented with statistics is to be skeptical. I will always want to know who conducted the research and how the research was conducted. We have to ask, "Are these data and rankings the result of scholarly and well designed research studies?" Or, are we believing what we read - frivolous and commercialized. So, let's look at three of the these surveys - Sperling's, Forbes, and Men's Health Magazine - and see if Kansas City really is a horrible place to be single. 


1. Sperling's and Axe Body Spray

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In this 2009 survey, Sperling's Best Places teamed up with Axe to determine the best and worst places to, "hook that hottie."

  • Criteria

24 criteria were used including population density, percentage of singles, frequency of hooking up, dating venues such as coffee shops, bars, and intimate apparel stores and flowers and jewelry bought as gifts.

These data were collected through the Census Bureau (population characteristics and statistics), Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (frequency of sexual partners), Match.com (online daters), and criteria from leading relationship experts who weighed categories in terms of dating importance.

  • Population

Population age surveyed was restricted to 18-24.

  • Conclusion

This survey is very narrow and its data misinterpreted. Data does not include singles over 24 and fails to include dating styles that go beyond hooking up in bars. The Center for Disease Control does not report data about frequency of sexual partners, only statistics on reported STI rates. I suppose the more STIs in a city, the more people are practicing unsafe sex. If Kansas City fails to meet these criteria, meaning its daters are more creative, sexually safer, and more mature, than we should be proud of our ranking.


2. FORBES

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In 2008, one year prior to the Sperling's survey, Forbes released its own list of best cities for singles. In it, Kansas City ranked #36 out of 40 cities with the largest urban areas. Again, the population sampled focused on, "...young, ambitious singles who, in an age of techno-mobility, can live and work wherever they want. Our methodology focuses on career-minded, “never-marrieds” under the age of 35." Sorry older singles, divorcees, widows and widowers.

  • Criteria

Coolness, cost of living alone, culture, job growth, online dating, nightlife and number of singles.

  • Conclusion

"Coolness" was determined by responses to this question, "Among the following U.S. Cities, which one do you think is the coolest?” So, Kansas City's coolness is a result of the subjective opinion of people in their 20s and early 30s.

"Nightlife," as with the Sperling's study, focused on a stereotypical 20-something social life: nightclubs, bars, and restaurants. Kansas City has music variety, concerts, cultural events, fundraisers, extended learning courses, alumni events, and more.

Forbes' criteria for "singles" meant anyone over the age of 15 and never married. Well, according to this criteria, a divorced, single father has a better chance at finding love than his 16 year old.


3. Men's Health Magazine

Attention Kansas City singles, the men of your city might be leaving soon. Although not primarily focused on dating life, Men's Health determined Kansas City was one of the worst cities for men. The most recent study of the bunch - released in 2012 - evaluated 100 cities and gathered statistics from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the CDC, and the FBI.

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  • Criteria

35 categories ranging from exercise, employment, and air quality to heart disease, diabetes, and depression.

  • Conclusion

This study might be the most beneficial for singles in Kansas City. If living in Kansas City contributes to unhealthy behaviors, and these are identifiable, then it's time for a change! Some of the most attractive qualities in a person - single or otherwise - are directly tied to mental and physical health: confidence, job satisfaction, happiness, social skills, and healthy habits, to name a few. If you present yourself at your best, with confidence and personal satisfaction, you will be attractive to the object of your affection. So, start your search for a mate by improving yourself inside and out! Get to the gym, go back to school, learn how to cook healthy foods, or join a co-ed sports team. Single men and women of Kansas City will find romantic success with personal success.

 

So what does all this mean for singles in Kansas City?...


Kansas City, Here I Come!

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Fall back in love with Kansas City!

If you truly want to find love in your city, find out what's great about it! Sure, KC may have its faults. And much like being single, if you dwell on the negatives, you'll never open yourself up to all that's exciting to discover.

I encourage all singles - in any city - to make a date with your city and do something new! Use your city to become the most attractive person you can be! Believe me, you'll find love by being in love with who and where you are!

For more advice on how to navigate the single waters, email me at michelle@michellemacbain.com.



 

 

 

Dating Advice

Dating In Your City?

Before tuning into KCUR 89.3 on Monday at 10am, take a look at a couple of my advice articles on dating!

How do you feel about dating in your city? Share your stories with me! michelle@michellemacbain.com

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Five Things to Avoid on a FIrst Date

1. Dinner
2. Alcohol
3. Movies
4. Friends
5. Sex

 


1. Dinner

Avoid the cliche of dinner and a movie (see #3). Dinner forces you to sit with a complete stranger, without any outside stimulation, and adds the pressure to make interesting conversation about anything other than how great your food tastes. Also, food can be messy and the eating process is less than attractive.

Try out the dinner date a month in! And don't go to a restaurant, invite your date over to cook. The cooking process can be fun, sensual, and a great way to invite someone you're dating into your private space.

2. Alcohol

Although a very common suggestion, avoid the "let's grab a drink" date. Please don't drink too much on a first date. Alcohol will make you feel and do things you may not feel or do when sober. Try to stay sober and really get to know your date!

3. Movies

Why would you ever put yourself in a situation that forces you to sit in silence with someone you care to find a connection? A first date should allow conversation!

Instead, try an active date that allows for stimulation from your surroundings. Bowling, the farmer's market, attending a live sporting event, a walk in the park, or volunteering can offer interaction, conversation stimulation, and a buffer in the form of other people to enhance and lead your first date toward a positive ending whether or not an attraction is formed.

4. Friends

Group dates or meeting up with friends should be avoided! Friends will detract from your date. Friends are protective of you and can influence your initial attraction or opinion of your date.

5. Sex

I love sex. Sex with someone you trust, care for, and genuinely like is amazing. A first date does not establish this connection with another person. A lack of conversation and the addition of alcohol may make you feel incredibly attracted to someone, but is this feeling maintained the morning after?

Wait to jump in bed with a person you fancy, the sex is so much more delightful and satisfying! Instead, smooch up a storm! Sit, hug, kiss, smile, and enjoy the butterflies!


Question: Great First Date, But No Second?

Question: A week ago I met a really nice guy and we hit it off right away. We both are newly single and expressed to one another that we were just looking for someone to go out and spend time with. We went on our first official date a couple of days ago and it went very well. I was pretty certain that we’d see each other again because at certain moments during the date he would make references to future dates.

Well, a few hours after the date he texted me saying that while he had a nice time with me and liked me he wasn’t ready for any kind of commitment and wanted to keep his options open. He also said that he felt like if we continued to see one another we’d likely end up in a serious relationship, and that that’s not what he wants right now. I know the answer here should be obvious to me, but it just really sucks!

I have never connected this soon with someone before and we had a great first date and I could tell he was into me, but now suddenly I’m rejected because he likes me too much? He said he didn’t want to hurt me and that I deserve a lot more than he can give me right now. Do you think he was he being genuine and really looking out for me? Or was this just his way of saying he’s not into me without actually saying it?

— Bummed After First Date

Answer:
First, after initially meeting this guy you expressed your desire for a casual relationship. Is this how you truly feel? Or were you jumping on board with his desire, hoping that by agreeing with him, you would get to date him?

Second, you had a great time on your first date! Wonderful! But he has not made an effort to see you again. What were his impressions of you and what you wanted from him in the future? How did you react to the discussion of future dates? Did you speak in terms of "we," as in sharing moments in the future as a couple? Perhaps you left him with the impression that you were ready to be in a monogamous relationship. Remember, you told him before your first date that you want the same dating relationship as he does: casual, no expectations, and fun. Again, is this something you really desire?

Third, you make the statement, "I never connected this soon with someone..." I agree, this is a wonderful feeling! But you only went on one date with this guy. Take your time getting to know a person before the fantasy of monogamy sparkles in your mind. A long-lasting connection with a life-long partner takes much, much longer than a three hour dinner date. You must find compatibility in more than musical tastes, favorite foods, recreational activities, or ultimate travel destinations. Morals, religion, children, family relations, money, sex, politics, handling of stress, communication, work ethic, education, and spirituality compatibility are vital in healthy, life-long relationships.

Fourth, he did like you! Something during your first date made him concerned you were interested in more than a casual dating relationship. HE IS NOT LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW!

The text was polite, sincere, and honest. Although he enjoyed your company, he was left with the impression you were imagining a serious relationship would develop. Stop freaking out! It seems as though, despite a mutual attraction, neither parties are on the same desired dating relationship page.

As you move forward, be honest with yourself and your desired dating relationship. Are you searching for casual, multiple dating partners? Or do you want to find your next boyfriend immediately!? Once you solidify your own desires, honestly communicate this to potential dating partners. I promise you there are men out there looking to settle down.